Yesterday was one of the most difficult days I have had and believe me; that’s saying a lot. (Please know that everything I say here will be in an effort to be transparent, not to evoke sympathy, but to hopefully help you understand how I am feeling as I write these words.) As I said, yesterday was one of the most painful days I have ever had and if you know me, well, you know that says a lot. To be honest, I was completely blindsided by what happened. Even though I had actually begun suspecting things might not go well as one would hope; it went so much worse than I could have imagined!
My daughter didn’t know what all was going on, but she knew enough to bring me some Kleenex only to discover that I didn’t need them. She said, “I thought you were gonna need these.” I thanked her and explained that there are times the pain can be so deep that you don’t even have tears. It reaches so deep the tears just don’t come. It’s been nearly twenty-four hours now and I still don’t seem to know how to process everything. As I sat thinking about things earlier, a thought occurred to me. Jesus understands. He knows pain. He knows rejection. He knows the sting of betrayal.
Matthew 26:37-38 uses the words “sorrowful and deeply distressed” and “swallowed up in sorrow to the point of death” to describe how Jesus was feeling. John 11:35 tells us that “Jesus wept”. And in Hebrews 4:12-16, Paul assures us that we have a High Priest who can understand and sympathize with us. Jesus, more than anyone else, can understand the feelings that have taken hold of my heart. He understands how I feel. My circumstances haven’t changed, the pain is still throbbing, but somehow knowing that He understands has helped me to feel a little bit better.
Sometimes you just can’t find the words to express the pain that you are feeling. Sometimes you can’t put to words all the emotions that are filling your heart. It is good to know that we don’t have to. It is good to know that Jesus understands, and He hears even our faintest cry. When the pain is too much to bear, it helps to know that He understands, and He sympathizes with us. Most of all it is good to know that we can come to Him and find the comfort that we need. We can come to Him and find the peace that we need. “The LORD gives His people strength; the LORD blesses His people with peace” Ps. 29:11
How I have needed His peace lately! As I try to process things and deal with yet another painful wound, I am looking to Him for the strength and peace I know can only come from Him. The truth is that I am tired, and my strength is running more than a little low. Honestly, I wasn’t prepared for a wound this deep. As I sat here this morning trying to get some coffee into my system in hopes that it could overcome my lack of sleep, I did what I always do in the morning. I reached for His Word. I knew that if I was going to make it through this day, I would need more than caffeine; I would need Him!
As always, His Word spoke to my heart and while it did not alleviate the pain I am feeling, it reminded me that He understood. It reminded me that He understood and that He would help me through this just like He has helped me through every other difficulty I have ever faced. His Word comforted me, my friend, it truly did, but may I be completely honest with you? I still had a bit of a meltdown. I had a bit of honesty with Him when I confessed the ugly truth. I confessed the fact that sometimes, sometimes, I get tired of “surviving” the pain. Sometimes I get tired, and I wonder if it is always going to be this way.
I had to confess some of the thoughts that went through my mind. “Is it always going to be this way? Is it always going to be this hard? Is there always going to be just another wound waiting around the corner? Will life ever get easier?” Yes, my friend, these were some of the thoughts that flitted through my mind as I sat thinking about things this morning. Perhaps you don’t have moments like this, but, my friend, I did, and I do. And you know what? I am so glad that I can be honest with God about how I feel and know that it will not affect how He feels about me. It will not stop Him from loving me (Rom. 8:39).
Isn’t it great to know that we can be real, we can be honest with God and know that He will still love us? Isn’t it great to know that He will never reject us? Because of the trauma and abuse I endured as a child; I didn’t always know this to be true. I will be eternally grateful for a course called Freedom in Christ based on the teachings of Dr. Neil Anderson because it taught me truth I did not know. It taught me who I am in Christ and what I mean to Him. It taught me truth about the grace of God that has forever changed my life. In moments like this, I am so grateful for all I have learned in this class.
I now know that it is okay to be honest with God. I know that no matter what, He loves me and will never reject me. I know that despite what my feelings say, His Word is still true. I know that He is faithful, and it is that Truth that I am clinging to right now, beloved. I am clinging to the fact that the One who has always been there, is with me still, and He will carry me through. My heart hurts, my mind is still reeling, but my soul is anchored in the Rock that will not let me fall. He is my hope and my help. I will hold tightly to His hand and anchor myself in His Word while looking to Him for the strength I need.
Precious child of God, I don’t know what you may be dealing with in your life, but may I whisper a bit of encouragement to your heart. You are not alone. He is with you. He understands what you are feeling, and He is there waiting to help you. Hold on to His hand. Cling to His Word. Look to the One who still mends broken hearts, soothes the wounds of rejection, and carries you when you feel as if you can’t make it on your own. And if you can’t find the right words to say, don’t worry; He understands and He has already heard the cries of your heart. Rest in His love today, my friend.
I waited patiently for the LORD, and He turned to me and heard my cry for help. He brought me up from a desolate pit, out of the muddy clay, and set my feet on a rock, making my steps secure. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the LORD. Psalm 40:1-3
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3
My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart, my portion forever. Psalm 73:26
Katrina Douglas
7/19/2022
