I’ve spent most of my life living in shame, a silent victim of the traumas I have survived. For far too long, I was afraid of sharing my story for fear of what people would think if they knew the shame I carried. The weight of that shame nearly smothered the life out of me at times. I carried the shame and guilt of things done to me, not realizing they weren’t mine to carry. I was thirty-eight years old before I began to realize that the things I had survived did not define. I was thirty-eight years old before I learned that I was not responsible for what had been done to me and that I could leave that shame at the foot of the cross where it belonged. That truth was a welcomed relief!
I was thirty-eight years old when I found my freedom. It was truly a life-changing year for me! It was one of the hardest years of my life and there is still a part of my heart that aches for the losses I have faced on the road to freedom. Broken people make a lot of really bad decisions unless they get the help they so desperately need, and I can certainly attest to that! Dysfunction, chaos, and abuse were my normal and so it is no surprise that this pattern followed me into adulthood. My path has not been easy, and my biggest regret is the pain my children have suffered because of choices that I have made. How I wish I could have gotten the help I needed years ago!!
As I said, the year I turned thirty-eight became a life-changing year for me as I discovered my freedom in Christ and found the courage to begin to make some desperately needed changes in my life. It has been a long and at times extremely difficult road my friend, but it has definitely been worth it. Five years down the road I find myself truly grateful for all that God has done and is continuing to do in my life. In the last few years, I have found the courage to begin sharing my story and though it has been terrifying, I am glad for the chance to tell what God has done in my life. I am glad to be able to share the hope I have found with others who need it as much as I did!
It was so hard for me to begin to open up and share what I had survived as a child and it was hard to share how my marriage had ended with me and my children in a shelter provided by Amanda’s Way, a local domestic violence organization. Everything in me wanted to keep silent but the truth is not meant to be silenced. I began to share my story, a little at a time ,and was amazed at how God used it to encourage others who related to what I had gone through. It is hard for me to silence the deafening voice of shame that has haunted me for most of my life, but God is helping me to replace the lies I have believed with truth. With His help, I will overcome!
One of the most frustrating and hurtful things about sharing what you have overcome by the grace of God is the people who try to silence you. It is a heartbreaking thing to have someone want to silence you so that you cannot share your testimony. It is sad but some people would rather silence you than listen to the truth you need to share. They want you to remain quiet and continue to hide in shame, but it is the truth that sets us free (John 8:32)! I have found that the people who want to silence you are uncomfortable with your truth for two reasons. They are one of the ones who hurt you or they are uncomfortable with the truth you are bringing into the light because it hits too close to home for them!
But as I said, it is the truth that sets us free, so I am learning to tell my truth whether or not people may try to silence me. I want to be free and I want to help others get free, so I share my story. I share how God has brought me up out of the pit I was in and set my feet on the Rock, giving me a testimony so that others can praise Him for what He has done (see Psalm 40:1-3)! I was thirty-eight years old the day He set me free and began to teach me who I was in Him. I had been saved years before this but didn’t find my freedom until just a few years ago. As I thought about this today, God brought to my mind the paralytic man Jesus healed in John chapter five.
“Now a certain man was there who had an infirmity thirty-eight years. When Jesus saw him lying there, and knew that he already had been in that condition a long time, He said to him, ‘Do you want to be made well?’” (v 5-6). Like the man lying by the pool of Bethesda, Jesus came to me and asked if I wanted to be made well. I am eternally grateful that He did my friend; it had been a rough thirty-eight years! My healing began in a class called Freedom in Christ created by Dr. Neil T. Anderson, a class that completely changed my life. For the first time in my life, I learned truths about who God really was to me and what it meant for me to be His beloved child.
After a lifetime of shame and guilt, I found hope as I learned to replace the lies I had believed with truth. I had to work hard at replacing the lies I had believed with truth and in all honesty, it is an ongoing process, but God has been patiently helping me. When Jesus healed the man who had been paralyzed for thirty-eight years He told him to “Rise, take up your bed and walk” (v 8). Looking at this verse, I realized Jesus had told him to rise up from the place you have become comfortable, the place you have been used to and take away what has been your cushion or security and move on from here. Jesus was telling him that his healing would mean moving on from what had been his comfort zone!
I can personally testify to the fact that when Jesus decides to heal you, He will often shake your life up and move you away from what you have become comfortable in. Sometimes to get the healing we need; we have to get up and walk away from a few things we have become used to! Just because you have become accustomed to it, just because you have grown comfortable with it, doesn’t mean that it is right. It doesn’t mean that it is what is best for you. Just because you are comfortable where you are doesn’t mean that is where God wants you to be. Sometimes God is saying get up and walk! Sometimes in order to heal you, God has to move some things around in your life.
Remember what I said about how dysfunction and even abuse can become normal if you live in it long enough? Just because you get used to something doesn’t mean that it is okay my friend. Please hear what I am trying to say to you, beloved. If God has been telling you to move, to let go of some things, or to walk away from something and you know that He is telling you this, then, my friend, listen to Him. He knows what He is doing. Believe me; I understand that sometimes healing hurts before it gets better. I know that sometimes healing means letting go of some things you’d rather hold on to. I know that sometimes healing means doing things that scare you to death.
Sometimes healing means not doing things you want to do. Sometimes healing means making changes you don’t want to make. Sometimes in order for you to heal you have to step back from things that hurt you and set boundaries that protect you. Sometimes healing means letting people get mad at you when you no longer allow them to hurt you. Healing isn’t always easy my friend, but I promise you that it is always worth it. The last five years of my life have been some of the hardest and yet most beautiful years of my life. Healing is a hard and difficult road, but it is also the most beautiful road I have ever walked down. The peace I have found is indescribable my friend!
My friend, I have fought hard for the freedom I now have, and the battle is far from over. I have fought hard for the healing that I have found in my beloved Savior. The battle has been hard and there have been days I have felt like giving up but the fire of hope that He lit in my heart five years ago as I walked through the Steps to Freedom, near the end of my first year in Freedom in Christ, still burns. I have been broken. I am bruised and battle-scarred. I have lost much blood as I battled for my freedom, but it matters not. I am covered by the blood of Jesus Christ and by His stripes I am healed and made whole (1 Peter 2:24)! He will finish the work He has begun in me (Phil. 1:6)!
The road has been difficult, but I stand here today to tell you that God has been faithful and that He is still in the business of setting captives free! I am here to tell you that God is still in the business of healing broken hearts. I am here to tell you that the shame and guilt you are carrying were meant to be left at the foot of His cross. I am here to tell you that God wants you to be made well. I don’t know your story; I have no idea the burdens you carry in your heart. I have no idea what secrets are hidden in the depths of your heart my friend, but He does. He knows and He wants to help you. He wants to set you free my friend. Speak your truth my friend; find the freedom you need!
Beloved may I ask you a question? May I whisper the words of Jesus to you? “Do you want to be made well?” What is hurting you my friend? What cares burden your heart? What hidden pain do you carry? What shame weighs you down? Do you want to be made well today my beloved? Give it to Him! Whatever it is, give it to Him. Entrust it to Him and let Him lead you to the help and healing you need. My friend, He is the only One capable of bringing the healing you need. Trust me; you can’t do it on your own, you need His help. Surrender it to Him and follow His lead. Let Him show you the path to freedom; it is a beautiful path and He will walk every step of the way with you.
I do not say these words lightly my friend. I say them as someone who has walked through the fires, one who has survived what was sent to destroy me and lived to tell of the One who brought me through it all. I am telling you from the experiences I have lived through that Jesus will help you. He will help you and He can and will give you healing and freedom. Whatever you are going through, my friend, there is hope. Stop trying to do it on your own and give it to the only One that can help you. You were never meant to face these things alone; He wants to walk this road with you, my friend. Take the advice from someone who has seen Him do great things! He can help you be made well!
I waited patiently for the Lord; and He inclined to me, and heard my cry. He brought me up out of a horrible pit, and out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my steps. He has put a new song in my mouth, praise to our God; many will see it and fear and will trust in the Lord. Psalm 40:1-3
Katrina Douglas
My friend, if you are being abused or need help to find a safe place to go, please check out the Domestic Violence tab on the home page for help and resources!!
