One of my favorite bands is Mercy Me and one of my favorite songs of theirs is Dear Younger Me. Perhaps it is because another year is drawing swiftly to an end, but I have been thinking of this song and wondering what indeed I would say to my younger self if given the chance. I guess the first thing to consider if I were to have the chance to say anything to my younger self is would I want to change anything. What, if anything, would I want to change about my life if I could? I must confess this question has been going around in my mind for several days now and I have debated within myself as I considered how I would answer the question. Finally, at long last and after no small amount of soul searching, I found the answer that I was seeking.
I have a lot of regrets and I have a lot of things I definitely wish I had done differently but the truth is that if I could change anything in my life, I wouldn’t do it. If you know me very well at all you probably just fell out of your chair when you read that, but I ask you to hear me out. My life has not been easy and if I were to be brutally honest with you my friend, then I would have to confess there have been times in my life when I wished I was dead. In fact, if I am being completely transparent with you, then I would have to confess that on two separate occasions as a teenager I seriously contemplated suicide as a way of escaping the pain I was in. And as terrible as it sounds, I didn’t do it because I was afraid that I would somehow survive the attempt and things would be worse than they already were.
That’s not exactly the best reason not to end your life but praise God, it worked. I am truly grateful now to be here and I guess that’s the first thing I would say to my younger self if I could. I would look at that young girl trapped in abuse, living in shame, and feeling as if there was no hope and I would tell her not to give up. I would tell her that life is worth living and that someday things will get better. I would look at that young girl so broken, so ashamed, and tell her that she was beautiful and created for a purpose. I would tell her that she was loved beyond anything she could imagine and that she was not alone. I would hold her hand and tell her that she was not alone. I would hold her hand and tell her that it was not her fault and that the guilt was not hers to carry.
She wouldn’t have believed me, but I would tell her that she was beautiful, that she was clean and loved by her true Father. I would tell her that this did not define her. I would tell her that the truth will set her free. There are so many things I would say to that young girl if I could. And I must confess that a part of me would love to tell her how to avoid the heartache that would come to her later as an adult but if I did, I wouldn’t have the two beautiful children that call me mom. And Lord knows if I could take away the pain that has now been passed down to them I would, but I can’t. So though I could save myself a lot of tears and a lot of tears if I could go back and warn my younger self I wouldn’t do it; I wouldn’t change a thing.
I wouldn’t change a thing; I would go through all that pain again because it gave me two beautiful blessings from God. While I wish I could somehow find a way to take away the pain I know they have suffered and are still suffering, I can’t. So, if I could tell her anything, I would tell my younger self that she is stronger than she knows. I would tell her that the lessons she is going to learn through all of this are worth the fire that she is walking through. I would tell her that her God is faithful, and He is going to bring her through this. I would tell her to cling to Him with everything in her. I would tell her that I know you’re scared, I know you’re tired of hurting but there is hope. I would tell her once again that things will get better. I would tell her to hang in there.
I would look at that woman so frightened, so hurt, so devastated and I would tell her that I know you think everything is falling apart but oh my darling, it is actually falling into place. I would tell her you don’t know it yet, but God is doing something amazing. Someday all of this going to be used as the backdrop in a story of the amazing goodness and faithfulness of God. Someday my dear, you will be able to tell your story and testify to how God brought you through all of it. Someday, you will stand before people and say, “I went through hell, but I survived because my God is stronger than any fire I ever faced!” I would tell her that she might not believe it now but someday she wouldn’t take anything for all the lessons she is learning through the pain she is going through.
I would tell her that someday she will look back and be grateful for all of this. I would tell her that one day she would stand there with her face still smudged from the ashes of the fire that has raged around her and say, “I’m thankful for what I have learned. I’m thankful for what my God has taught me. I am grateful for the fires that made me seek the Living Water.” Yes, the truth is that the only thing I wish I could change is the fact that my children have been hurt by the things we have gone through. I wish I could take away their pain but that is the only thing in my life that I wish I could change. I would change nothing else as hard as it has been because it has driven me to the feet of my beloved Savior. So as hard as it has been at times, I wouldn’t change a thing in my life.
I wouldn’t change a thing because all of this has pushed me into the One who is my Hope and my Salvation. C. H. Spurgeon once said, “I have learned to kiss the waves that throw me up against the Rock of Ages” and I have come to understand exactly what he meant by those words that once seemed so strange to me. I have learned to be grateful for the hard times, the difficulties that have pushed me deeper into my Savior. So, no matter how tempting it might be to tell my younger self what to do to make my life an easier path to walk I couldn’t do it. If I had taken an easier path, I might not know Him like I know Him now! Instead I choose to accept the life I was given, I choose to live with the choices I have made, and I choose to trust God to work it all out for my good.
I guess if I could say one last thing to my younger self it would be this. Find your identity in Christ and believe what He says about you. I would tell her that the only thing in life that really matters is pleasing Him, so it’s okay to let go of all the expectations of anyone besides Him, including the expectations she has put on herself. I would tell her that she is enough because Christ in her has given her all the value she will ever need. I would tell her to lose herself in Him and there she will finally, at long last, find her true identity. In the shelter of His arms, she will at long last find the peace and love she has been searching for all her life. I would tell her that when she surrenders all to Him, she will find the home that she has been searching for. In Him, she will find her joy.
My friend, I don’t know your story, but I feel confident enough to say that there are probably things in your life that you often wish had gone differently. I’m pretty sure that you too, have made choices you wish you hadn’t. I would even be willing to bet that there are things you would be tempted to change if you could, but may I share a secret with you. Every moment of your life, every choice you made has led you to this moment right here. My friend, you don’t even know it yet but this moment right here has the potential to change your life! This moment right here is the only moment in your life that you have the power to change! Right here, right now, you have the power to make a choice that will dramatically alter the course of your life! Are you ready for it?
Right now, my friend you can decide the path that the rest of your life will take. You may have made a lot of bad choices, you may have done some pretty terrible things, but this moment right here is where it all can change. From this moment on, who is going to decide the course of your life? Is it going to be you or is it going to be God? There are only two choices my friend, either He is going to be in control or you are. Which one will it be? Do you have the courage to surrender to Him? Do you have the courage to hand over complete control of your life to Him? Is your faith big enough to trust it all to Him? I can’t promise you that it will be easy, because the truth is that it won’t be easy. What I can promise you is that it will be worth it. You will never regret giving Him control of your life.
Take it from someone who knows. Life goes better when He is in control! For the first time in my life, I am not in control of my life or maybe I should say I am no longer trying to control my life. I have given myself over to Him to use me as He wills. It is the most terrifying and exhilarating thing I have ever done! I have trusted Him many times in my life, but I always held on to attempts at control but for the first time in my life I can truly say that I am trusting myself and my future to His hands. I am willing to let Him take the lead and I pray that He will give me the courage to follow wherever He leads. I am terrified and yet somehow so excited. All I know is that I want Him to use all that I have gone through for His glory. I pray that He will take my story and use it for His glory.
Let all this pain have a purpose! So, my friend, once again I remind you that like me, you can’t do anything about the past but what you can change is your future. This moment right here is a gift; what will you do with it? Someday you will look back on this moment and either be grateful for the choice you made, or you will wish you could go back and choose differently. My friend, I pray with all my heart that right now you will have the courage to say, “I give up!” Give up control of your life and let God lead you. Our attempts at control are just illusions my friend, we never really control anything. Give up the illusion and give control to the One that knows the best path for you to take. Let Him lead you and guide you so that someday you can look back grateful for the path you have chosen.
I don’t know much my friend, but I do know this. Life is better when He is in control. He knows far better than I do what is best for me, so I choose to trust Him. Even when I can’t see very far ahead on the path in front of me, I choose to follow Him because I have seen what life was like when He was my Savior but not my Lord. I choose to let Him be my Lord and I hope that you do too, my friend. As this year comes to an end, I pray that you will decide to walk hand and hand with Him into this new year. I pray that you will live courageously surrendered to the One that died so that you might truly live. Like me, you may have a lot of regrets my friend but giving yourself over completely to Him will never be one of them! Oh, my beloved, may you choose to live courageously surrendered!!
Katrina Douglas
