“Occasionally weep deeply over the life you hoped would be. Grieve the losses. Then wash your face. Trust God. And embrace the life you have” -John Piper. I am a writer, a lover of words, and I love to collect words, phrases, sentences, and quotes that speak to my heart. I have a lot of journals; I love journals, and one of them is used to keep words like these in. This quote made it into the journal because of how powerfully it shouted truth to me. As I said, I’m a writer; I have quite the imagination and I can assure you I could easily come up with dozens of scenarios of how I might wish my life had been. My life has not turned out the way I had hoped it would.
I have definitely grieved the losses. How can you not grieve the loss of innocence stolen from the one person you should have been safe with? How can you not grieve the cruel words spoken by the person that should have loved you and protected you? How can you not grieve a childhood lost? I have no idea what on earth normal is supposed to be, so yes, I grieve; oh, how I grieve! Some wounds go so deep my friend. How can one not grieve when trust is broken? How can one not grieve being cast aside and so easily left behind? Isn’t it normal to grieve when dreams are shattered, and you’re left holding nothing but the ashes of a love you once imagined would last forever?
Yes, beloved, I have grieved, and the truth is that sometimes I find that I am still grieving. But may I share something precious and beautiful with you? I didn’t wash my face like he said; Someone else did it for me. Someone who understood every pain in my broken shattered heart, came and gently wiped my tears. He wiped my tears and washed my face for me. Ever so gently, He held me as I cried and then, ever so patiently He began to heal my heart. He began to teach me that I could trust Him. He began to teach me that He was faithful and that I was safe with Him. He taught me that He had felt my pain and had cried right along with me. And I found myself starting to fall in love with this Man.
How could you not love a Man that wiped your tears with the hands that bore the marks of His great love for you? How could you not fall in love with a Man that promised to never leave your side and would always be there for you? How could you not love a Man that knew your deepest darkest secrets and still chose to love you? How could you resist in the face of such overwhelming love? I could not resist a love like this. It was a love I had never known. All my life I had been searching for someone to love me and I did not realize He was there all the time. The pain I was dealing with, the hell I was living in, blinded me to the True Love of my life.
I have learned so much in the last few years my friend. Why is it that we learn the most when we are most broken? In that moment of brokenness, in that moment of complete crushing we finally see Him like we have never seen Him before. I stood in the ashes with nothing else to hold on to and there He met me and showed me that He was all I ever needed. I wish I had the right words to describe the beauty of that moment, but words fail me. In the blackened ashes of my life He showed me beauty I had never known. How can you explain to someone what it feels like to see your life in shambles around you and yet still find a hope you have never known?
People who know my life’s story have told me I am brave and courageous for what I have overcome, and while I appreciate their kind words, I fear that they are wrong. I’m not brave. I’m not courageous. I’m just a girl desperately in need of Jesus, who has learned that He will give you strength when yours is gone. I’m just a girl desperately in need of Jesus, who has learned that He will help you do anything and everything He calls you to do. I’m just a girl desperately in need of Jesus, who has learned that there is no limit to what God can do if you will just trust Him. I’m just a girl desperately in need of Jesus, who has learned that God’s story is much better than any story I could ever imagine.
You see; I didn’t get the life I hoped for. I didn’t get the life that I imagined. But I am learning to embrace the life I have been given. I am learning to cherish the beauty of the brokenness that brought me closer to Him. I am learning that He has a purpose for the pain and if I will but trust Him with it, He will bring something beautiful out of it. I didn’t get the life I had hoped for; the life I would have imagined would have been far less painful, but I can’t help but wonder something my friend. What if the life I had imagined had led me further away from Christ instead of closer to Him? What a tragedy that would have been my friend!
Maybe the life I have been given is exactly the life I needed to bring me closer to Him. Maybe the life I have been given is what was needed to make me the person I am today so that I can in turn share the hope I have found in Him with others. So, yes, my friend, sometimes I still weep deeply over the pain of my past and the life I had hoped would be. Sometimes I still grieve the losses I have suffered. But I am choosing to give that pain to God and asking Him to use my story for His glory. With all my heart I hope that He will take every pain, every wound the enemy inflicted upon me, and every tear that I have cried and use it to bring glory to His name.
I pray with all my heart that someday when people look at me, they will see a miracle of God. I pray that they will look at me and say, “Look what God has done in her life!!” I pray with every ounce of my being that someday all these scars will be used to reveal His beauty. I pray that someday when people look at me, they will see Jesus and that they will be drawn to Him. I pray that they will look at me and be encouraged that God can do the same thing in their lives. Oh God, take everything the enemy meant for harm and use it for your glory! Take these ashes and turn them into a thing of beauty (Isaiah 61:3)! Help me to boldly proclaim Your goodness Lord and share the hope I have found in You!
My beautiful friend, I don’t know what your life has been like. I don’t know the wounds you have suffered. I don’t know how many tears you have cried. I don’t know what dreams of yours may have been shattered. I don’t know all of your story, but I know Someone who does. Oh, sweet friend, He knows, He understands, and He loves you with a love you cannot possibly imagine. He wants to heal your heart my friend. He wants to bring beauty into your life. Let Him wipe your tears. Let Him wash your face. Let Him show you how to embrace the life He has given you. Let Him show you what a miracle He can do in your heart and life. Trust Him with your pain! Let Him bring the healing you need!
I waited patiently and expectantly for the Lord; And He inclined to me and heard my cry.
He brought me up out of a horrible pit [of tumult and of destruction], out of the miry clay,
And He set my feet upon a rock, steadying my footsteps and establishing my path. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God; Many will see and fear [with great reverence] And will trust confidently in the Lord. Psalm 40:1-3
The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, Because the Lord has anointed and commissioned me to bring good news to the humble and afflicted; He has sent me to bind up [the wounds of] the brokenhearted, to proclaim release [from confinement and condemnation] to the [physical and spiritual] captives and freedom to prisoners, to proclaim [a]the favorable year of the Lord, And the day of vengeance and retribution of our God, To comfort all who mourn, To grant to those who mourn in Zion the following: To give them a [c]turban instead of dust [on their heads, a sign of mourning], The oil of joy instead of mourning, The garment [expressive] of praise instead of a disheartened spirit. So they will be called the trees of righteousness [strong and magnificent, distinguished for integrity, justice, and right standing with God], The planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified. Then they will rebuild the ancient ruins, They will raise up and restore the former desolations; And they will renew the ruined cities, The desolations (deserted settlements) of many generations.
Isaiah 61:1-4
May He bring the healing that your heart needs today!
Katrina Douglas
