Life has not always been easy for me, in fact, if I am being completely honest, I would have to say that a lot of things that have happened in my life were far from easy. While I am confessing that, I will add that there is a secret thought that I have struggled with a lot in my life. It isn’t something I say out loud, although I have been known to on occasion, but the thought has lingered in the back of my mind far longer than I care to admit. For years buried deep in the recesses of my mind has been the ugly little whisper of “It’s not fair.” I honestly don’t know how long it has been hiding back there but it has been there for quite a significant length of time.
It’s been hiding there for years whispering like an anthem in the back of my mind. It’s not fair. It’s not fair that I grew up in an abusive home. It’s not fair that my parents never truly loved me. It’s not fair that my husband didn’t love me enough to want to stay married. It’s not fair that people get to hurt me and get away with it. It’s not fair that I have to be in pain every single day of my life. It’s not fair… I warned you it was ugly. The truth is that while they are all ugly thoughts, each of them has some sort of truth attached to them. Many things in life are not fair. Many things that have happened in my life were indeed unfair. So it is not untrue to say that these things were unfair.
But the real truth is that thoughts like this are toxic and poisonous to the Christian’s soul. You see while they may be true, they are also dangerous. First, they assume that life should be fair and life is not fair. If life was fair, then I would have been hanging on the cross instead of my beloved Savior. If life was fair, God would not have had to watch His only begotten Son suffer the way He did. No, life is not fair. If life were fair, I would have gotten judgment instead of grace. But praise God; I was given mercy and grace when I deserved the judgment of God! When I linger over the idea that something wasn’t fair, I am also dancing dangerously close to saying God isn’t fair.
You see, the extremely uncomfortable truth behind thoughts of “It’s not fair” is really the idea that God isn’t fair. Of course I would never actually think that much less say that but isn’t that exactly what I am saying? As a Christian, I believe that God is in complete control of everything that happens in my life. I believe that everything that happens is either brought by God or allowed by God. He is sovereign over every area of my life. So, if I am harboring thoughts that something is not fair, then I am actually harboring the idea that God isn’t fair. I am questioning His reasoning behind allowing the things that have happened in my life to happen.
These are tricky waters to navigate, that’s for sure! Not everything that happens is good; in fact, many painful things have been allowed to happen in my life. Does that mean God wanted them to happen? No, I don’t believe that He did. God has given each of us a free will. He created humans, not robots. And some of those humans choose to hurt other humans. Some of those humans choose to abuse other humans. Some of those humans choose betrayal over love. Some choose lies over truth. And each and every time they break the heart of the Creator who created them for so much more than that. He never wanted us to use our free will to hurt one another.
You see, that is something that I am learning. Each and every time that I was hurt, each time I was broken and abused, my Father was hurting right along with me. Every tear that I cried, He was close enough to catch it. Everything that hurt me, hurt Him as well. I’ll admit there were times that I felt so alone, so abandoned when trapped in the abuses of my childhood that I doubted the sincerity of His love for me. Sometimes even when we don’t want to acknowledge it, there is a little voice somewhere deep inside a hurting and broken person that wonders where God was when they were being abused, when they were being hurt. Where was God when this was happening to me?
We may not say it out loud but somewhere deep inside us the question whispers in hushed painful tones. Where was God when this was happening to me? Where was God when I was being hurt? He was in the exact same place He was when His beloved Son was hurting, when His Son was being hurt and abused. The very same God that loved me so much that He sat there on His throne in heaven while His beloved Son suffered so terribly for my sins (when He could have stopped His suffering) is still on the throne. He is still on the throne where He sat while His Son died to show me how much He loves me. A God that loves me that much would never abandon me to my pain.
I realize now that He never left my side. Not for one moment, did He ever abandon me to what I was going through. Not for one moment, did He forsake me to the ones that tried to break me. Even now, as I type these words, the tears burn at my eyes as I realize the truth of what I just said. They tried to break me but He didn’t let them. The pain did not break me. The shame did not break me. The cruel words did not break me. The betrayal did not break me. Because of God, everything that tried to break me only made me stronger. God used each and every one of them to make me into the woman I am today. God used each thing that tried to break me to draw me closer to Him.
“But as for you, you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good, in order to bring it about as it is this day…” Genesis 50:20. This verse has really been speaking to me lately as I focus on the truth that God can take everything meant to harm us and somehow use it for good. I realize now that I have a choice to make. I can continue to allow the whisper of “It’s not fair” to linger in the back of my mind or I can choose to trust that God is good and God is fair. If I truly believe that God is good then I cannot also harbor the idea that my life has not been fair. If God is good then He can be trusted to deal with everything in my life that has not been “fair”.
If God is good then that also means he is just and I can trust Him to take care of any unjustness in my life. Because the truth is that only God can truly administer justice. Only God knows what is truly just and what is not. Only God knows when punishment is due. This means I do not have to worry about the people that have hurt me because I can trust God to take care of them. I do not have to defend myself against lies that are spoken about me because my Father is more than capable of defending me. “God is just; He will pay back trouble to those who trouble you” Thess. 1:6. My job is not to worry about what is fair and what is not; my job is to trust God.
The truth is that my Father has been so good to me that it more than covers the bad that has been done to me. He has lavishly poured His love out on me. He has saved me from the enormity of my sins. He has given me an eternal home with Him. He has brought such beauty from the brokenness. And as if that wasn’t enough; He has given me a voice and allowed me to share Him with others as I seek to share the stories He places on my heart. Like I said, God has been so good to me! And it is with full assurance of His love for me that I determine in my heart to silence the whispers of “It’s not fair”. I choose to believe that God loves me and will someday bring beauty out of all the pain.
“Yet I will rejoice in the Lord I will be joyful in God my Savior. The sovereign Lord is my strength; He makes my feet like the feet of a deer, He enables me to go on the heights” Habakkuk 3:18-19. I choose to turn my thoughts to my Lord. I choose to focus on His goodness instead of worrying about whether or not life has been fair. I choose to trust Him. The Lord my God is with me, He is mighty to save. He takes great delight in me, He quiets me with His love, and He rejoices over me with singing (Zeph. 3:17). The very picture of God holding me close and singing over me reminds me that even when others betray me, when others hurt me, He never will. He loves me and will never let me down.
I may never forget the pain I have suffered. You can recover from abuse but it does affect you and change you. It can be forgiven but there are deep scars that remain and those scars become a part of the person you become. I may not ever forget the pain I have suffered but God made me a promise in Isaiah 54:4 that is something I cling to. “You will forget the shame of your youth.” This verse tells me that healing is possible and that is where I am headed. I choose to allow God to work in my heart and help me to forget the shame but remember the lessons. I choose to remember the lessons but allow God to take away my shame. It is my prayer that He uses my story for His glory!
Therefore the LORD longs to be gracious to you, and therefore He waits on high to have compassion on you for the LORD is a God of justice; How blessed are all those who long for Him. Isaiah 30:18
Grace and peace,
Katrina Douglas
1/10/18
