May I share something with you, my friend? I’ve had a rough week and to be perfectly honest, at times, I have really struggled. You see; for the last several years, the holidays have been a struggle and I had high hopes that this year would be better. Three years ago, I fell hard on my knee right before Thanksgiving, injuring it enough to require that I spent weeks needing the assistance of crutches. I unexpectedly lost a dear friend just two weeks before Christmas. The next year, I had a flare-up of mono that lasted six weeks with my fever breaking the week before Christmas.
Just as the fever broke, a pain in my side began that after multitudes of tests, I still have no explanation for or complete relief from. Last year, we got Covid the week of Christmas. This year, when my daughter and I got some crazy viral thing the week of Thanksgiving, I consoled myself with the thought that, “at least we got it over before Christmas”. I began to look forward to Christmas and all the things we do leading up to the holiday as I had those previously mentioned high hopes for a healthy holiday season. Then came last Sunday when I began to experience pain in my left shoulder.
By Wednesday morning, I had realized this was no fibromyalgia flare-up as I had at first thought, and I went to see my doctor. He believed that I had pulled the large muscle in my shoulder. By Friday, the pain had not receded at all and there had been no signs of improvement, so I was back at the doctor. I am now awaiting an appointment with an orthopedic doctor. As I said, this has been a rough week filled with a lot of pain, not enough sleep, and more than a little disappointment. Yes, I had to confess to the Lord that my feelings were hurt, and I was struggling.
My feelings were hurt because I had thought this was going to be my year. I had expected fun, joy, and Christmas. Instead, I am dealing with a lot of unwanted pain that I can’t get rid of. I am stuck sitting in a chair, alternating between ice packs and a heated throw a sweet friend recently blessed me with. I am missing out on plans I had made. The truth is that I could go on whining about how rough it has been and how disappointed I am, but that isn’t going to help either one of us feel better. Instead, I am going to share with you some other things that I have experienced or discovered this week.
First of all, that heated throw blanket that I mentioned has been a huge blessing. My heating pad recently died on me, and I have been so grateful for the small, heated throw that I can wrap around my shoulder. God knew how much I would need it and He put it on my friend’s heart to get it for me. What a comfort to know that He’s always looking out for me! How I have needed this beautiful reminder this week! While I may be disappointed that He allowed this to happen, I am also humbled by the fact that He had prepared a way to help and comfort me before it ever came to pass.
Remember that lack of sleep that I mentioned? The other night, I was awakened again by the pain and while lying there, I thought of a friend I haven’t talked to in a while, and I began to pray for her and her family. You can imagine my surprise when later on the next morning, I got an e-mail from her encouraging me. During our correspondence, I mentioned that I had been praying for her and she told me how that very morning she had felt a touch from God as He had encouraged her given her a renewed sense of purpose. I was so blessed by the realization that God had heard my middle of the night prayers for her.
I cannot explain to you how much it encouraged me in that moment to know that in the midst of my pain, there had come a sweet blessing. God had heard the quiet whispers of my heart as I tried to focus on someone else instead of the pain I was in. Isn’t it precious to experience little moments of beauty like that? Which leads me to another moment that I would like to share with you, my friend. The other night, I was in one of those moments when the pain was especially intense as I was trying to get up out of my chair. I was whispering one those eloquent prayers, “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus” as I got up out the chair.
My daughter asked me a question that I was not expecting. “Mom, why do you keep calling Him if He isn’t answering you?” She went on to express her confusion by pointing out that He hadn’t eased my pain or healed my shoulder, but I keep calling on Him. She wasn’t being ugly; she was being honest, and I knew it was important that I explained to her what I was feeling. I thought about it for a moment and then I answered her the best way I knew how. I explained that the truth is that He doesn’t always answer the way we want Him to; He doesn’t always answer the way we expect.
I then went on to explain to her that while He may not have healed me and taken the pain away yet, He was still helping me. I explained to her that when I call on His name, He helps me bear the pain; He helps me through the pain. I explained to her that when I call on Him, He gives me the strength to do what I need to do. I did my best to explain to her that when He doesn’t answer the way we want Him to, we can always count on Him to be there to help us and give us the strength we need. The truth is that I don’t know which one of us actually needed to hear those words.
Hopefully, she will remember them and carry them with her throughout her life. However, the truth is that I needed the reminder myself. No, He doesn’t always give me what I want; He doesn’t always answer the way I had hoped, but He always gives me the Answer that I need. He gives me Himself! And that, my beloved, is enough. It is more than enough. Yes, I am disappointed with the way things are going at the moment. Yes, I wish this pain would go away. But until it does, I will cling to this reminder. When times get tough, I am not alone; He is with me in the fire.
Dear heart, I don’t know what is going on in your life right now. I have no idea whether your Christmas looks like what you were expecting or not. However, I am sitting here typing these words in tears and trying my best to ignore the pain so that I can remind you of this important truth. Life doesn’t always look the way you want. We don’t always get the answer we were hoping for. BUT GOD. But God is always there ready and willing to help you. He is there to help you bear the pain. He is there to help you carry that heavy load. He is there to give you the strength you need, beloved.
You know; that first Christmas didn’t look anything like Mary had expected. She didn’t get what she was hoping for but what she got was so much more. That stable became the birthplace of a miracle and that messy, painful, and unexpected first Christmas birthed the hope of all mankind. Dear heart, it’s okay if this Christmas doesn’t look the way you expected. It can still be the birthplace of a miracle. It can still give birth to hope. Look to the One we celebrate and let Him bring the joy and hope you seek. And beloved, if you look hard enough, you might find some unexpected gifts lying around.
Just like I found unexpected gifts in the midst of this difficult week, you may be surprised by what God is doing in your circumstances. Pause for a few moments and ask Him to open your eyes to the gifts you may have missed. Take a few moments to look for Him and ways He has been moving in the midst of the last few weeks. He’s always there, beloved, sometimes we just have to look a little harder to see Him. I pray that these next few days leading up to Christmas find you in good health and good spirits, but if not, remember, He is there ready to help you.
Take a few moments right now to just breathe and feel His presence with you. You are not alone. He is there and He is working in ways you have yet to have seen. Trust that He is working in this as well. I know because I have seen it time and time again. In fact, this very day I have seen Him at work twice. First, He sent two precious ladies by to bless me and my daughter and then He answered a very specific prayer I had prayed. Our church is having a live nativity and I didn’t want my daughter to have to miss it because I couldn’t go. He sent a dear friend to pick her up and take her, not knowing she was volunteering to be an answer to my prayer.
Beloved, it may be hard, but He is there, and He will not leave you alone in this hard thing. “Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not be afraid, for I am your God. I will strengthen you; I will help you; I will hold on to you with My righteous right hand” Isaiah 41:10. Hang on tightly to Him for He is certainly holding on to you, dear heart!
Katrina Douglas
12/18/2022
