Hello, my name is Katrina. I am forty-three years old and I am trying to learn to be more comfortable in my own skin. I have struggled my entire life with insecurity and most of my life I have carried a deep sense of shame. I have allowed the things that were done to me to define me and it was only a few short years ago that I learned I did not have to do that. It was only a few short years ago that I learned the truth about who I really am.
Truth is such a beautiful thing. It is beautiful and it is so liberating; especially for those of us who have spent a lifetime living a lie! It is hard to be yourself when you don’t know who you are, my friend. When you grow up shrouded in shame and carry a secret so heavy it nearly breaks you, life is a hard path to walk. Things were really dark at times, but no matter how dark things got, there was a tiny flame of hope that helped me keep pressing on.
For forty-three years, that tiny flame of hope has carried me through. Sometimes I’ve walked; sometimes I’ve crawled. More than once, I have stopped and cried for a while. Twice the flame was nearly extinguished for good, but my beloved Savior kept the flame burning, even though I was ready to give up. Hope is a fragile little flame, but it is strong enough to carry us through even the most difficult of times. How thankful I am for that little flame.
God has kept it burning through every challenge and difficulty I have ever faced, my friend. Sometimes it has been the only thing that has kept me going as I have struggled to find my way through the pain. As a young girl, I used to dream of the day I would finally be free and would find the love and happiness I dreamed of. I grew up and found out the hard way that sometimes dreams are just dreams. They are something you imagine and create, but they are not real.
Looking back, I realize that so much of what I thought was reality, was in fact just an illusion. That realization shook me. It is hard to accept the truth that you were seeing only what you wanted to see; nothing was as it seemed. Broken dreams can really shatter an already wounded heart. Broken dreams cut deep when a heart was already wounded. Rejection and abuse are hard pills to swallow when you’ve already been swallowing them for many years.
I have found that some wounds go so deep that only one Person can heal them. Some wounds are so critical, only One can rescue you from them. How grateful I am for my beloved Healer. I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for Him. He is the only reason I have made it this far. He has tended my wounds. He has bandaged my heart. He has carried me when I couldn’t walk. He has caught the many tears I have cried (Ps. 56:8). He has strengthened me when my strength failed.
Oh, how I love the One who has met me in the midst of my brokenness. He waded through the mess I had made of my life, wiped my tears, and lifted my face so that I could look at Him. And in His eyes, I found the love I had been looking for. In His presence, I have found healing and peace; I have found the source of the hope that had been carrying me for so long. I looked at Him and I saw, the One who had been walking this hard road with me.
I looked at Him and I saw the One who had wept when I wept, the One who had hurt when I had been hurt. I looked at the hand that had been holding mine and I saw the proof of His love in the scar He bore. This love has changed my life; it has given me a courage I never had before. This love is healing me and helping me to become the woman He created me to be. And somehow, this love is even giving my pain a purpose, as I share my truth with the courage He has supplied.
As I said at the beginning of my story today, I am learning for the first time in my life to be comfortable in my own skin. I confess, it isn’t easy, and I still have a long way to go, but I am learning. I am learning to see myself the way He sees me. I am learning that I am loved beyond anything I could have ever imagined. I am learning that there is beauty in the ashes when I give them to Him (Isaiah 61). I am learning that He is creating a masterpiece out of my life.
I am watching with amazement as He is taking my mess and turning it into a message. I am awed every time He lets me share a little bit about what He has done in my life. I am honored each time I am allowed to share with you the hope that He has given me. And beloved, He has indeed given me hope. The tiny flame of hope has grown into a bigger flame as I have gotten to know Him better. His faithfulness has caused the flame to grow.
Beloved, may I whisper a few truths to you before you leave today? You are not alone. You are loved. You are being held by the One who died to call you His own. He loves you and He will help you. He is the source of your hope. And no matter what your feelings are telling you… there is hope! Please believe me when I say this, dear friend. I know that He will see you through because I have seen and known His faithfulness. Please do not lose hope; hang in there.
Most importantly, hang on to Him. Hold on to that flame of hope that has carried you this far. Guard that flame, and do not let it go out. There is still hope, beloved. “Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit” Romans 15:13. My friend, may the hope that has carried you this far, fill your heart afresh today and give you the courage to keep pressing on.
I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people. Ephesians 1:18
Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. Hebrews 10:23
But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary; they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:31
Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: forgetting what is behind and straining towards what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. Philippians 3:13-14
Katrina Douglas
2/27/2021
